I had had a bit of a break from him for a few months. The last time I’d seen him, he was at my front door, pounding and demanding me to let him in. Now – I had just seen him at a concert and he told a mutual acquaintance that he was going to find me. I left the concert that evening and finally began pressing charges a few days later.

Navigation around the legal system became my pastime. I soon realized that I would have to be in court with this man.

I Needed Help

Upon that realization, I knew I needed help, so I asked a close relative of mine – “Sam” – if she wouldn’t mind coming with me to the hearing to be my moral support. She willingly agreed with no hesitation.

As the time for the first trial came near, Sam called me to let me know that she wasn’t going to be able to join me at the hearing. She’d mentioned that her husband had recently lost her job and the stress of the court case was simply too much for her. After scrambling around in my brain for a second, I asked her, “Do you think you’ll be able to come once he gets a job?”.

I was immediately met with a combative, “YOU ARE SO SELFISH!!! How is it that you ONLY think of yourself?”

I buckled, sat in fetal position, cried and reflected. Was I blind to my faults? In that reflection, I loathed. I spoke unkindly to myself and told myself I was a burden and that I shouldn’t expect support or help from anyone. And that anyone who gave me that support needed to be profusely thanked and praised – knowing that I would NEVER be able to repay the “debt” of their support.

I was a 22 year old college student at the time, finishing my degree and dealing with the nonsense of a delusional man. Sam was a 31 year old stay at home mom with two children, 9 and 10, at home.

Okay. I wasn’t the most sensitive with my response to her backing out of her promise, but she had 9 years of life-experience on me. In asking that question, I was not being unreasonable. I was simply coming at that question from a 22 year old’s perspective. After all, she was telling ME that the trial I would testify in for MY STALKER was TOO MUCH for her.

I Did Not Want to Be Hurt

This may have been the beginning of difficulty setting boundaries.

I have spent the last 20 years attempting to see things from everyone else’s perspective. This kind of humility can be commendable, but most of it is a terribly unrealistic view of the world. Instead of seeing things from the truthful side, I often take the place of blame, whether I am to blame or not. I do this, simply to not rock the boat.

This is not a good coping mechanism as you mature.

I have lost friendships, my sense of self-worth and my compass for truth. All because I didn’t want to be vulnerable.

Well, friends. Times have changed. I am SO PROUD of the progress I’ve made in the last 6 months. Today was the perfect example.

Trades in Business

I met this gal, Tina, at a local “Trusting Your Instincts” workshop. She contacted me a few months later and asked if I would be willing to trade my services for hers. Not really needing any kind of natural healing at the time, I agreed. I had the availability. Besides, I thought – “Well – if it’s not something that works, I’ll just call it an even trade.” My pricing was sent and she replied. “Yes – that works great – it’s about the same as my sessions, so it will be a pretty even trade.”

Her Branding Session came and went and she ordered 18 digital files. This was going to be a large trade, but I wanted to do this favor for her, so I didn’t mention the amount. I gave her the images less than a week later. She’d asked for the invoice a couple of times, but since it was a trade and the amount was easily calculated (I charge per digital file for Branding Sessions), it was not on the forefront of my mind.

I saw her once before today, a few months ago. My fall/winter months have been exceptionally busy, and since our youngest is still at home two days a week, it was difficult for me to find time to see her – especially since I’d actually been feeling pretty well!

I walked in to her office/living room and we hugged. We sat down for a few minutes and I told her that I had sent the invoice to the Dropbox where she’d accessed the images before. I then approached the idea of possibly having my mom come in for some sessions since the trade was fairly large. Then suprisingly, she said, “Well, we’ll see. I’m feeling very put out. I’d asked you for the invoice several times and I had no idea how much you would be charging.”

I Won’t Take Responsibility for Your Emotions

My 22 year old self would have tossed aside my boundaries and said, “You’re right. It seems like there was a misunderstanding. I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear.” By itself, it’s not a bad response. However, when you take into consideration that we’d had a specific message on pricing, I couldn’t take blame.  I showed her in the Facebook message where we had “chatted” about the amount. She defensively responded, “I never saw that – I never got that”. Then – I showed her where she responded acknowledging the pricing. She tried to say that she never looks at messenger. Instead of saying, “I should have sent it to you in another way,” I said, “Well, you contacted me originally through Facebook.” At this point, I wasn’t relaxed for our session. I told her I just wanted to leave. Her debt would be absolved and I would cut my losses.

I continued, “I never want people to leave my services feeling unhappy in any way. And honestly, I don’t really want any services from you at this point. I am going to leave and just consider it a bigger gift than I had originally planned. Merry Christmas”.

She said, “I value your services, and I see where I didn’t understand what your charges are, but I would like to still try to make this right for you and for me.”

I told her that I simply did not want to waste any of my time or energy on coming up with another solution. That I’d rather just leave and cut my losses. I told her “Merry Christmas” and left.

I Have Worked Hard

I’m actually really proud of myself for not taking the blame when it wasn’t my doing. Instead of forcing the session to “keep face”, I called it what it was and left. I am a kind-hearted person. And I do still feel for her. I know how badly it sucks when there is a major miscommunication. But I was able to let it go. I didn’t take responsibility for her emotions. This is one of the few times I’ve been able to do that and I feel great knowing that I stood up for myself and spoke truth.

I guess a few months of self-help books, podcasts and working out religiously really does wonders in someone’s psyche. Damn, I’m proud of myself for setting boundaries.

Boundaries are Necessary

I really love this image I saw on God in Real Life. It has a religious connotation, but whether you are a Christian or not, the lessons on boundaries rings true. This is a great measurement tool when discovering healthy boundaries.

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